Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
