Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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