Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
