I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
