Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
im calling her cock vulture from now on
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
