did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
