Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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