Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
