i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
