So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
