I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
