So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
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