you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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