apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
