I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
