I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
