I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
