there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
