forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he thought i was a dude.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
