Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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