Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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