I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i will never coherently bang her
The best revenge is premature balding
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
