I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
