Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
