Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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