Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
