remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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