You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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