god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
