We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
