look no pants
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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