why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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