I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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