Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
