those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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