Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
