I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
is wine microwaveable?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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