anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
