Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
