Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
