Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
