I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
