I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
