I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
