i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
