She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
