I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
