Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
FUCK WHALES
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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