mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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