What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
