a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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