I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
