either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
