I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
